I am sitting in the downtown Chatty Panera, drinking that cup of coffee that means I have the right to stay here for hours. I have felt jangly all week, and the coffee is not helping.
My little sister left this week. I know she has only lived with me for four months, but I somehow thought we would be in it forever. I respect her wanting to find her own way, but I miss her so so much. Selfishly probably. I think that's one of the reasons for the jangly-ness. Another is school and work. I want to give it my all, and right now I am. When I start at Convergys though...I have no idea how my days will align themselves. The thing is I tend to think all that I can do for something is...everything. I pour so much into it that when I manage to step back all I feel is empty. I know the things that are supposed to fill this emptiness: faith, knowledge, family, self appreciation. But as so many things in my life show me, knowing something is absolutely no help to me at all.
Then another cause of janglitude is my new boyfriend. I forgot how much fun the beginning of these things are, the getting to know the other person, the blush that rises when you think about them, the exquisite first touches. But I keep comparing him to Hank, and mentally "haha"-ing when he passes the Hank check points. He wants to meet my friends, he isn't ashamed to call me his girl friend, he communicates, he isn't just in it for sex. And this isn't about Hank. It is about something new and wonderful completely past whatever I thought we had. Still.
Since we last talked I have been going to the school appointed therapist. I freak her out a little I think, but she is very sweet. I started to cry the other day, and she supplied the obvious tissues and gave the obvious advice, but when I was about to leave she hugged me. It was so like a Nanny hug that I was instantly comforted. I told my adopted mom about some of the stuff that has come out in the past few months (like winter frosts push new stones to the top of the garden) and she freaked out a little bit. I made her promise not to talk to daddy about it, because I really don't want to have that talk with him. I still can't believe that I told Hank. That will haunt me forever. I talked about it with Faith too, and she was wonderful. She has so been there for me lately, she illustrates true friendship in a million ways.
I want to be there for someone.
School is ok so far this semester, I have the most incredible Shakespeare prof, and my American Novel Prof (senior level class!!!) is a great lecturer. The other two...eh, not challenging, not worth mentioning, not worth taking.
So I just realized I have mentioned Hank by name a zillion times and not introduced you to my awesome beau. His name is Tanner, he is an English major and writes in a way that makes my geeky knees quiver hehe. We went to RCHS together and follow each other on Twitter... a while ago he wrote on my facebook wall "I'm bored, your pretty. Let's party" I was not immediately taken lol. But a flat tire, lots of coffee and a perfect first kiss later and I must admit to being smitten. He sings too! And plays the guitar! AND he's tall! (very very cute) We are supposed to hang out tomorrow and I have been looking forward to seeing him so much. The first time we hung out we were headed back to his place after all the flat tire dealio and everything that had happened, and my hands were cold. He held it in his coat pocket. Now you know how much I looooooooove that! If someone ever wrote a romantic movie about my life (riiiiiiiiight) the romantic moments would have to include the whole pocket thing. It just seems to comforting, endearing and (yes) sexy. My heart melted right then...
Anyway. This is long... I will have to update more often to flow the rambling :)
Coming back to you soon with less drama and jangle, better rested and maybe a little richer :)
Hana
