Bathmophobia

Falling up stairs
As easy as falling down
And there I sit, bruises blooming
Except its spring, and blooms are lovely
Not like these dark marks of clumsiness
And I want to take an elevator, I want winged shoes
I want never ever again to fall up stairs, while my heart sinks
And people point and laugh, and I pick up books. Or people sympathize.
So I runrunrun to class, and dodge and fumble and put one foot in the place of another.
Falling up stairs. Falling down. Bruises unlike the yellow of daffodils. Today anyhow.

Walking in Circles

My dear boyfriend and I have been walking in circles lately. This circle has gone around the fact that we are so busy there is really no way to give the most exciting and real love I have ever felt a chance. If this love is really all that, then it will still be there in time, that is what the circle eventually closed on. So we are going to take some time, and hopefully come back to this with some truth, love and hope in our hearts.

I miss him. But I miss him all the time anyway. And life goes, as it always does, inexorably on.

I hope I am always his Hanababy.


coming to you from a sad spot, but still with love
Hana

Untitled

I time so many things in my days. When to be to class, when to eat some lunch, when to take a break and hurryhurryhurry back to my computer as the last seconds drain from a moment that feels stolen but really belongs to me. Each phone call ticks away in a second that I will never experience again. It seems lately I wonder about each of those seconds, imagine doing something fantastic or unusual in them. Or doing what I ought, finishing a paper, closing my eyes to everything and finding the next bit of move on power to come to me in a dream like a biblical gathering of strange and necessary proportions.
Everything seems couched in biblical lately, I am so relieved to almost be done with Milton!!!!

time for more hurryhurryhurry.
love
Hana

...........

I fail.
I suck.
I try.
But I fail
and suck
and say the wrong thing
and think the wrong thing
and imagine the wrong people
doing the wrong thing to me.
And it imagines smoothly.
And it imagines nicely.
And it doesn't suck.
But still.
I fail.
I try.
But I fail.

I give up. Leave out. Pack up. Regress. Hide. Say farewell. And go back to work.

(cycle repeating cycle repeating cycle repeating.....)

HG

First Day

So yesterday was my first day at Convergys actually taking phone calls. It was at once better and worse than I thought it would be. I blanked so horribly on the first few calls, accidentally deleted one families programming....so forth and so on. I felt like I was treading water. But after our first break when I went back to my cubicle I felt a little more sure, confident. I had piles of notes I had taken in class, and instead of asking for help I started looking through them quickly. Calls went better, I sold a lot of programming, activated several accounts, helped an adorable little old lady program her remote...all kinds of good stuff. Oh, and I sold my first porn hahahah, the playboy channel. Interesting.

So I think it went well. I only got four hours of sleep last night because I did homework till two and then got up at six to finish some more up, but I think I can do this. Luckily I have spring break all next week, it will be a nice buffer. AND my awesome boyfriend is coming down tomorrow, and there will be a nap in his arms (the best place ever to sleep) so its all good, great, gravy and golden!
See you on the flip side,
love as always,
Hana Grace

Underwhelmed

I went to try and give blood again, its been my struggle for about six months now. Even though I'm taking iron, eating all kinds of broccoli and rasins I am STILL all anemic. Grrrr its really frustrating. They told me to stop drinking tea (black) and I did for a while...but whats the point?

So I started really thinking about deficincies. Things that are lacking. Of course that only frustrated me, but the perspective is so important! So I think not only am I lacking Iron, but I'm lacking so much whelm.

Overwhelmed, underwhelmed or somewhere in the middle. Where would you want to be?

Love as ever,
Hana